My beloved,
Sworn by your arrogance,
insidious dawns, I am
Screeching through
nooks under the benighted sky,
And longing for your love,
I am deserted by my
own despairing try-
To concede your sunk scarlet illusions
Like the moonlit
valley persuades the night,
And to hold through
time, my unwinding scarred heart,
Before I drown in your
undying blight.
5:15 am,
November 24th, 2008.
Solan, Himachal Pradesh.
Its still pitch dark in my room. The
curtains are drawn, not an ounce of sound and the obscurity makes the oblivion
seem so peaceful. Still with my eyes
half filled with tears from the previous night, I stretch out to turn on the bed
side lamp. And there it is, my reality, the truth behind the void between my
dreams and undefined rounds of sleepless nights. Careful not to stamp on the
broken glass pieces that were victims of the preceding night’s encounter, I
make my way through the aisle of swears and evident scars. As I reach the
bathroom mirror, I find myself to seem like a complete stranger. Who am I?
A year ago, on this day, I married
the man of my life, who was meant to define me, not that he doesn't anymore,
but once upon a time it was different and oblivious to his sadistic trials that
exist now. I look at myself with the same shame that I have been evident of for
the last six months. Same swollen cheeks, crimson from his palms that were
meant to caress them, bleeding lips, that wished they came from a lustful
tryst, wounded hands that seemed like a joke, after all. This person that I see
in the mirror right now isn’t “I” as I had known myself. Marriage changes
things, I knew. But this was unfathomable, like I have been trick and trapped
by my own defamed scarlet entities. And there it is my bleeding womb that was
meant to nurture our child. As I splash the water on my face to fight away the
sinful truth, my knees fall weak and all those unbidden memories……
..........
April 30th, 2008.
New York, USA.
The news flash on the T.V screen,
“BREAKING NEWS: RECESSION HITS!!! Hundreds forced to quit jobs a……” I turn off
the television.
“Honey, it’ll be
alright. We will find a way out soon. There’s always an option to head back
home”, I said, massaging his shoulders from behind his chair as his hands cover
his stressed face to avoid the inevitable.
“It’ll be alright.”
Thrusting his
hands back, he pushed mine away with a gigantic force that I couldn't resist,
he
frowned, and “Nothing’s ever going to be alright, don’t you see? I have lost my job and there is no way we can pay for life we are leading right now!”
frowned, and “Nothing’s ever going to be alright, don’t you see? I have lost my job and there is no way we can pay for life we are leading right now!”
Still on the
ground, shocked by his unjustified action, I failed to find any words to say as
my submissive eyes yield tears.
“Oh my, baby I’m
so sorry, I didn't mean to…..” he said, lifting me up from the ground. I headed off to my room, and the next morning it seemed like nothing happened at all.
We lost all hopes
as there were no job vacancies and the rents were ever rising. So a month we
left for our home town, Solan again, to start off our new life. But little had
I known about the newness and woes its going to tag along with itself.
July 8th,
2008.
“How dare you
speak to that man like that?! Are you having an affair with him? Am I not
enough to satisfy you, you whore?!”, he said to me with his enraged eyes fixed
on mine as I fail to avoid his stare. His arms gripped mine so tight, it had me
shudder in fear.
Disgusted with his
accusations against me and his own cousin, Rajeev, I look away as much as I
can. My eyes fixed on the shattered vases and broken frames that carpeted our
bedroom. The tears in my eyes blurred my vision and camouflaged in a way to
help me believe it’s just a nightmare. But those rigid arms kept me glued to
the present. It was the third time in the last two weeks that he raised his
hands on me.
As his grip grew
stronger, I pleaded, “ Dev, you are hurting me. Please stop… Please!” I cry out
loud, in hope to ease the wounds his harsh words placed on the heart.
That’s when he
pushed me away on the bed, finally realising the result of his actions. And a
minute later when I look up, I see him approaching the bed with an ice bag and
an ointment. Seeing him there I wonder
how he manages to do this every time. He builds up an illusion in his mind, loses his
temper, hurts me and caresses the scars like they never existed.
He places his head
on my knees and as much as I wish to push him away, his innocent eyes forced me
to hear him out. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have let all this
happen. I just…”
“ It’s alright. I… I’ll just clear out this
mess from the room… I…” I try to avoid any blurry eye contact and make my way to the
littered floor. He joins to do the same, his eyes still filled with tears of
guilt as he moves out towards the kitchen to dispose off the entities that a
few hours ago contributed to our lovely house.
As he opens the door to re-enter the
room with his eyes bowed filled with guilt and regret, a thought crept onto my
mind, “Today, I am not going to ask for a
justification. I tired of these undesired fights. No more quarrels for tonight.
I need to feel his love once again and save our marriage. I can forget the past
few weeks, or can I?”
I
brush off these unremitting thoughts from my wandering mind as I grip my arms
against his shirt and find solace. Its funny how much I think need him when any
sane being would elope from his den. But, I loved him, and it couldn't live up
to watch it end just yet.
“Kiss me,” I ask
him, as his lips press against mine in reciprocation.
October 11th, 2008.
I
can’t take this anymore. I will go back to Delhi to my father’s house. I am
tired of our fights and I am tired of his masochistic trials”, I
make up my mind to let this be the last time he’d ever raise his hand on
me.
“I’m so sorry.
Please don’t leave me. I’ll change. I’ll change for you. Please…..”
Once more there
are shattered glasses, another ruined night, another hopeless request, I have
been accustomed to his sugar coated requests and I can’t take all this anymore.
I turn away from him
in response and he embraces his arms around my waist, still on his knees.
“Please.. I know I don’t deserve anymore chances. I have been a horrible
husband and I have failed you in every possible way. But please don’t leave me,
I need you. I’ll change for you. Only you can make me the man I once was. Kill
this demon in me and love the man you married once again. Please,…..”
His shaky trembling voice once again
managed to make me fall prey to his tussle. This man, down on his knee, is the
one who embarked vermilion on my head.
I can’t leave him now. not only because he needs me, but also because I need
him too. I am married woman and I can’t afford to lose it now. I love him,
despite his demons. I love him for all the good times I have spent with him.
Those were times I’d bet all my life for. And the guilt in his eyes was honest.
I knew I could change him, I just didn't know how.
With these conflicting conclusions, I
sat on the bed, unable to concede my teary eyes. He motions towards me,
caressing my blood spatting forearm, and say, “What happened today was the last
time something like this would happen, if I ever lose control again, you are
free to leave. I love you and I know that’s never enough, but I do want to
change and only you can bring this change in me. I don’t deserve your love or
even the slightest bit of your presence, but please don’t leave me just yet.”
After a long pause, I finally respond
to his unjustified request, “ Dev, I can’t love you like this anymore. I want
things to change for the better. One last chance is all I can give you anymore.
I hope you don’t let me down this time,” I sob as the tears stream down my
eyes. His hands wipe them off and we lie next to each other.
“I’m sorry. I love
you, honey.”
“I love you too,”
I respond.
And we make love
to pass the night submitting ourselves to each other with renewed vows.
November 23th,
2008.
One month and no fights. No empty
threats, no shattering glasses. He changed, as he promised, and to this God
blessed us with the ultimate gift- a child. Due to persistent vomiting and
delayed menses I decided to head to the gynecologist who confirmed the arrival
of the latest addition to our family. With the reports in my hand, I headed towards home, excited as well as nervous to bring Dev the big news. He
was going to a father, and yet again we shared the beginning of something new.
I got home and got myself to prepare
his favorite dishes decorating our sweet abode. I tried to rehearse on how I’d
share with him the big news. “Dev, you're going to be a daddy soon” or “I am
pregnant with our child”, “we are going to be family of three’. Honestly, I was
clueless. It all happened so suddenly that I was myself left to digest this
news. Someone ones told me, “Everyone who
has ever lived on earth, has lived for a reason, to be someone”, and to me
it meant being a mother.
It was almost 8pm and he would be
home any moment. I couldn't help myself but let the butterflies dwell in me
fantasies and ecstasy about our child’s coming. “beeeeeeeeep” a single bell and I knew he was here. I rushed on to
open the door and blurt out the big surprise. As I opened the door, I
mindlessly embraced him and told him that there’s something he needs to know….
“Where were you
this afternoon?”, he asked me with his poker face look, with no sign of
inquisitiveness.
“I was mostly at
home and then I went to mall road to ……”, I lied, because I wanted to surprise
him by directly handing him my positive report.
Before I knew, his
hands grabbed onto my shoulders and pushed me away. Shocked and taken aback, I
tried to reconcile with him, “Will you please listen to me?”
“No! I am done
with you! I saw your car passing Rajeev’s office and that’s nowhere close to
mall road! You are a Wh*re! I loved you and you simply chose infidelity over
me! I know I have failed a lot of times at being a good husband, but this? Get
lost, you bitch!”, he yelled throwing me away till I dashed the corner of the wooden
shelf. The pain grew in me severely, and like a bolt of lightning, something
pierced in my womb, and before I knew I was bleeding. Slowly and steadily, I
lost my senses and drowned in my deep fainting sleep.
I woke up to find myself in an unwonted
room. The ceiling was amusingly enormous and white washed, it smelled strangely
crispy. It was a hospital. I felt nauseating and turned to find water. Dev,
with his head bowed down was sitting next to me. Suddenly, a pain engulfed my
chest. It wasn't my body that was aching, it was my unwinding scarred heart. From
where I lay, I could hear Dev’s trembling sob unable to decipher his tears.
That's when it clicked me, my child.
“Dev? Please tell me that the baby is
alright? is he fine?”, unable to make eye contact, he just wept, “please say
something Dev, your silence is killing me.”
“We lost him.”
For a while, silence captivated the
hospital room. “Take me home”, I said dying to escape from the ambiance that
took away my child.
During the drive back home, we didn't speak a word. There was nothing left to say. I could see the guilt in his eyes
but this time I knew I couldn't forgive him. Despite my shaky drowsy self, I
refused to take his help to climb up to our broken abode. Without any other a
word, I slept, still in my blue suit that I was wearing in the hospital.
Before I’d know I
was asleep with my eyes still bleeding and pleading for the lost one.
………..
And right now, at this very moment, I
am lying here, in my bathing room, flooding the grounds with my hopeless tears
and reconciling with my harsh reality and times that I wish I would wash away.
But, I know now that is can’t happen again. I can’t live another day here, to
die once more. I am leaving.
I get up and rush to the dressing table
and silently find the car keys and some money to leave him and drive off to
some place where I won’t have to be defined by his venomous love. He isn’t here
in the room and I suppose him to be in the study like usual. As I make my way
down the stairs with my handbag with some stuffed clothes and the car keys, I
feel a pinch in my stomach as I see the shattered glass pieces that were dawned
by his relentless hands. And with every smothered piece, died the love I had
for him. To me, right now, he was nothing but a devil disguised in raven suit
and shoes of a fugitive cupid. My knees feel weak as I realize all my hopes
from life are rendered, but I know I have to make my way out.
And right before I urge to open the door,
the bell rings by an unbidden guest. I open, still with my keys and bag in hand
to find a man who looked like the local cop.
“Is this Mr. Dev Ahluwalia’s house?”,
he asked, in a tone that sounded less inviting.
“Yes, tell me? I am his wife, Mrs.
Parineeta Ahluwalia”, unable to decode
the sore and flinching eyes.
“Does this belong to him?”, I gulp my
breath as I fail to control the pace of my accelerated heartbeat.
The officer’s hands me a zipper pouch
with evidence written on its top. It had the watch I gifted him on our wedding
night, his leather zodiac wallet and our engagement ring. This
can’t be happening. What’s going on? Is this a prank? The light in the study
was turned on. I am sure he is inside and this is just a coincidence. Maybe
they found these stuffs outside. My mind fails to register the forthcoming
as I reply the officer, “Yes, but where did you find all this? Where is Dev?”
“We found his body by the river banks.
Some of the pedestrians tried to stop him but he relentlessly jumped. We found
this plastic envelope inside the inner chamber on his coat.” The officer took
off his hat and positioned himself. As
he handed me the envelope, I could see my soul dying that very moment. A letter emerged from within. I rubbed my eye
to read its cover, “To my beloved wife, Parineeta.” Deceived and preyed, I
opened the letter the read his last words-
To
the one who made my life,
I
have made many mistakes throughout my life. I am a man of follies. My coat
holds the blood stains of not only your wounds, but now, also my child. I
failed at being a good husband and now I have failed at being a father too. My
jealousy ended our only child’s life even before he was born. I am a man with guilt
that has already killed my soul. I have let my prejudice ruin your life and
render your faith in love. But there has been one thing that has done right in
this life, and this was to marry you. I have felt blessed to half someone like
you as my wife. You deserved a better man, a better future. So, today I want to
apologize to you for all my vices and for never being able to dispense to you
the life you always deserved. This might be a lot for me to ask, but if you can
please forgive me for all my sins. I have loved you everyday from the very
beginning till my last breath that will follow in a while. Yes. I love you.
Thank you so much for making my life and loving me as much as you always have.
Somehow I know you won’t be able to forgive me for the loss of our child and
might as well forsake me. Thus, I am taking this drastic step. I am sorry and
this time I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I hope you find love again.
And if I ever cross your mind, feel me in the wind or the forthcoming sun. I
could never give you the happiness you deserved. So now that I will be gone as
you know me, I hope you still find my love in the blossoming rosebuds. Find
love again and never give up. I love you, today and forever and for always.
Take care.
Happy anniversary.
Yours
forever and more,
Dev.
The End.
